The Onion

Jun 12

New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe | Full Report

New Ultra-Realistic Xbox Game Has Users Press B Repeatedly To Make Character Breathe | Full Report

Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion | Full Report

Report: Many Iraqis Still Holding Petty Grudge About U.S. Invasion | Full Report

Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week | Full Report

Report: 250 Million Americans Still Need Guests On Their Podcasts This Week | Full Report

10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons

NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive | Full Report

NSA Assures Americans That PRISM 2.0 Will Be Way More Invasive | Full Report

Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe | Full Report

Panicked Studio Delays ‘Man Of Steel’ To Get More Shots Of People Looking Up In Awe | Full Report

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Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds | Full Report

Nation Mostly Alarmed That Government’s Top Programs Handled By 29-Year-Olds | Full Report

Weird Porno Stops At Kissing | Full Report

Weird Porno Stops At Kissing | Full Report

“It’s like he’s hitting my G-spot every time he texts me at precisely 6:30 to ask what we’re going to do about dinner. Just knowing that it’s Monday and we always, always have spaghetti on Monday is enough to make me drip buckets. But when I’m waiting in line at the same CVS I go to about eight different times a week, I practically have to clamp my hand over my mouth to stifle my moans as I buy milk and some poster board for one of my daughter’s science projects.” — Full Commentary